~VERY WORDY POST~

I have a habit of typing my feelings into my hp & save them into my Draft folder. I believe these are my real feelings at that very moment.

I have been feeling kinda down these week.

E.M.O

Monday... 5/11.
As he works longer in the company, the rs between him & his colleagues will gradually become closer. I'm not sure if i'm thinking too much. But somehow, i'm not getting as much attention from him as before. I'm not trying to steal away his private time with his workmates. Maybe you can plainly say that i'm jealous? Ha~ I seriously also duno wat i'm thinking. I guess it's just that i'm too dependant on him already. And i can feel even the slightest change. If he's gonna see this entry, i'm sure he'll say i'm not maintaining a healthy rs. I know i'm abit possesive over him. I trying to adjust and i guess it'll take sometime. Guess that's wat happen when honeymoon period is over.. Guys will never be sensitive over this kinda problems.

He always ask me to go and make new friends. Tell me where i shld start? I always hope to have a bigger circle of friends. Unfortunately, i dun have. Guess i can even count them with one hand. Sometimes, i just hope i can get back to school cos at the same time i can get to know new people too. Guess that's the only way to get my attention away from him and den focus on new things ard me. Waiting for that day to come...

Thursday... 8/11
He's sleeping now. Although he's just right beside me but i still feel.. hmm.. lonely? Not sure if that's the right feeling. But anyway, i tend to save his msges tat i find meaningful and nice into a folder in my hp. Last time, darling tend to send me MMS too.. Guess it's one way to keep and recall good memories and that can be as and when u like just like NOW. As i look thru e smses & mms, i somehow teared. Msges started off when darling's still working in starhub. As time pass.. the kinda msges gradually become different. Was nice and sweet at first.. and now it's becoming so realistic. Probably cos we're together for long le so there's no such needs to send nice msges to coax me? And i also realised i've become more emo den ever. Will the day come when darling finds me too irritating and leave me for good? It's so hard to control my feelings nowadays.. and i tear easily...

I getting weaker.. weaker.. as days go by..

I have so much to say.. Yet it's hard to say..

Friday... 9/11
He's out to St. James with his colleagues tonight. I feel.... *sigh* I also duno how i shld feel. Dun want him to go but tat seemed so wrong if i were to say tat. He goes.. and i'm the one feeling terrible. Not that i want to control his social life.. But i feel weird for letting him go club without me. Guess somehow it's the same feeling when guys dislike their gf go clubbing without them. Friends advise me to ask him why i wasn't included the trip. Probably they mean that he can always bring me along. I picked up my courage and asked him. He told me there shld be times where he need to go out with his colleagues. If i were to go, there won't be similar topics to talk abt. Plus his colleages did not bring their bf/gf or wat-so-ever along. These sounded so much like excuses or.. in fact i shld call them standard answers.

I shut up after tat cos there's nth more i can say.

I told mom abt it and she was pretty shock when i told her that he went St. James. But she said we shld always talk things out. I know it doesn't sound like a serious problem.. or maybe it's not even a problem. But i know mom meant good and she dun wan to see me feeling troubled over this matter. And i can see that she wants us to stay happy and last long.

I mean what else is there much to talk abt.. He already gave me the standard answers.

*Sigh*

Tell me if it's me being over emotional or wat. It always seemed like i'm finding faults in things. I'm getting irritated with myself...

Urgh!!

*pulls hair*



I'm sick today. But i just told him i'm feeling slightly unwell.
Bad bad cough + sorethroat + feverish + runny nose
What can be worst..

Msged and told him abt it just now.
He asked me to slp early and drink more water.

Silly me~ why am i telling him that i'm not feeling well?
As if he'll rush over and see if i'm okay..



Love does not consists in gazing at each other.. but in looking together in the same direction...
candy scribbled at 11/09/2007 10:29:00 PM

Candy Xu
22.08.1986